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taylor_kix
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Name: Caleb
Location: Taiwan
Gender: Male
Interests: i luv all sports, everything. I am just searching for my soulmate, but i of course still luv bball and jazz. Jazz pianist is my specialty btw...
Expertise: amatuer basketball, medical science, poetry, and jazz
Occupation: Student
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  PianoJrdn
Member Since:
4/23/2004
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| Too much privacy is exposed on FB. I need the breathing space i used to have after work. | | |
| Familiar settings, familiar typing, and familiar feelings. Nostalgia. Not a good sign. It means I may have gone from the present into the past and am probably feeling good about dwelling in my past events of glory. I understand that xanga is no longer a fad for more high school students and college ppl. Unfortunately this is the type of blogging that bests suits me. You can argue that facebook and google plus are all out. So why am i still blogging at this place where no one is exactly staying any more? You got it right. Nostalgia. Screwed-up feelings of happiness. People look back at the days when they are still students and said, "those were the good days eh?" Those were the good days because there wasn't much responsibility. All you needed to do as a kid was to stay out of trouble, don't screw up too many love pursuits (which i did), and make sure schoolwork is done according to your strengths and weaknesses. The current situation I am in requires higher levels of stress, responsibilities, and cool-down time. I understand that there may never be a good solution to the current workplace, but at least I am trying to understand the mechanism that makes this work interesting, tiring, and refreshing. Earning well below thetype of work we pay, sleeping time interrupted for the rest of our lives if we enter the 'biggies' (ex. surgery, internal medicine), and having to sacrifice playing time for the sake of saving lives. Saving lives is not a small task for anyone, even the allegedly smartest people. Phlanthropists argue about how you can't put a price on the human life. But, let me ask you this. When you are someone who is exposed to a high stress environ that demands the best in you. Can't you put a price on this line of work? The Taiwanese people bitch and complain about how expensive the healthcare system is when they are willing to spend money on vacation, plane tickets, SPAs, pedicure, toys, etc. Everything about entertainment, young people or people in their mid 30's are mostly willing to spend given the money. But when it comes to a complete health check-up, they complain about how expensive it is to pay 2000NT, a mere 67 USD. For most people in the US, this won't even cover an out-patient visit at a medical center, I assume. People in taiwan ask for the best in medical service but pay some of the least expenses in the world. This is not something we should be proud of. This is something that needs to be fixed, because this isn't right. The expense so low a price came from the blood and sweat of the medical force that toils away each day in fear of legal problems and internal hospital fights. We also risk getting busted by the healthcare system. So much to say, and so much to do, but none are willing to lead. This means we are a bunch of pussies. Including me, even though my reasoning is more legitimate. I AM in fact very much a stranger to the current system and what links in the chain of command will lead to the change we desire. I can also leave this nation because I don't need to be under-appreciated by my peers who think subconsciously that they are better than me. Competition should exist but they better not go too far as to try and downplay someone. Pure performance assessment? Oh, that ain't gonna take some of them too far. Wanna know the truth? Because aside from taking tests, most of them have much to learn. The thought of giving bad news is hard for everyone, but I thought over it and came to the raw truth: there is no way of avoiding the impact of bad news on patient and the families. It's more about clarity and how you take in the emotions of a devastated individual. How you do it is up to your judgment. Simple communication? Beats the crap out of a lot of people. Watch. XD I am out! | | |
| Initial intern year 2 life has been less rigorous of a transition due to a less demanding resident doctor in the first half of the month. However, the number of meetings and classes that i had to attend were beyond my imagination. Half of my ward time is spent on meetings at times. However, I am not complaining. After all, this is Kaohsiuing. Welcome to a different mindset and a different identity, Caleb. My proudest achievements in life was to never screw up in a speech or presentation. That has happened, twice, in a clinical setting. Once in Mackay Hospital, and another just recently in the neprhology ward. I have to be geared up in a more constructive fashion so that I won't be faltering at simple questions. My anxiety was apparent and I couldn't think straight under such pressure. Coming in well-prepared as just been given a higher bar. It comes with identity I guess.... I also found out that sometimes, resident doctors do not honestly admit their need ot share the loading of writing progress notes. Interns are sometimes expected to take up admissions notes without any notice. Apparently, I have just begun to understand what a "dog" is. Everyone is a dog here, and the only difference is this: how bad-ass of a dog are you? With that said, I am very fortunate to not have the excessive labor that accompanies most departments in the taipei branch of veterans general hospital. My growing concern with the boards exam is apparent and more alarming by the minute...I am beginning to feel the pressure of work and test preparation engulfing me already. Apparently my time is just not as much as I wished to have. 24 hours a day, at least 1/3 to 1/2 of it would be in the ward, and that leaves me with 12~16 hours for sleep, study, exercise, and socialize. There just isn't enough time. It's time to cut back on socializing and playing computer games... As for my supposedly "love life", I am keeping everything at bay and everything in a safe distance. Sure I get the urge to "go after" sometimes but like the "itch", it goes away as long as I don't think about it. I am meeting new people but I am not making any dashing moves to get into a relationship any time soon. I feel comfortable and in control of the things that I want to do at this stage. No one is prodding me or manipulating me to enter a relationship. Peace. I gotta go and work at my stuff. | | |
| When i think about all the things that happened, I can't help but wonder what I did to make myself enter that constant drama for almost 7 months. Was it my mind being "pushed" around? Or was I just indulging in my desires? I think perhaps.... i need to stick to my plan of taking it slow. like very slow. | | |
| It's easy to say that new year holds new promises. It's harder to say that these promises will ever amount to anything if I don't even try and be responsible to my duties. It's even harder to say that I am happily single, as I ended my relationship early January upon the grounds of conflicting personalities, disapproving parents on both sides, and interference with my career progress.
No one said it was easy to find the right one. No one can even be sure that they have found the right one even after years of experience in knowing people. I made the decision to be with Eunice on 6.9.2010 and even now, when I look back, I would still make the same decision. Yes, maybe I should have chosen this other girl instead, but what good would it be if I said that? Those were split-second decisions, like a point guard who has the choice of passing to the powerful center in the paint for a dunk, drive to the hoop for a shot, or pass to a shooting guard with fiery aim from behind the arc, within 5 seconds. I rushed a bit but I want to say, I'm just sorry it didn't work out. I loved her with all my heart but somewhere along the way, we struggled, fought, and ultimately failed to please both parties. I have never been bogged down that severely in terms of emotion and my body has taken a toll on the mood swings that happened during the span of 6 months or so. I don't want to take credit for all the good stuff and leave all the negatives to her. She had her good sides too. She would be concerned about me wasting time or be worried about me being sick when i was in kaohsiung. She also called to make sure that i woke up sometimes. It was very touching that she attempted to experiment with cooking so that when i rotated to the nearest hospital to her place, she can perhaps pack me a good lunch. Too bad it never materialized because of the break-up. She also waited for me when I was working and sometimes I may be late. It was something that became a problem later in the relationship, to which, I am to blame partially. My line of work only gets busier and aside from sorry im late? I don't have anything else to say.
The thing that didn't work out, was the mood swings that happened more and more often as the relationship progressed. It was partly because of my parents' constant "monitoring" and "supervision" but also her own conflicting interests between her major and what she truly wanted to do. I have my pressure too and sometimes I vent to her, but I never bring my frustration into our interaction or become snappy at her at any occasion. I waited for her to see and follow my example, but sadly it didn't happen. To her it was just too much to handle and I had to bear her anger and whatnot when she wasn't feeling so good.
As for the parents part, I thought it could be worked out, had my parents been more patient with me, and her parents being less assertive in their stance to be "tough". I didn't need to hear about how I need to observe, but thanks mom and dad, you are loving parents who can't bear your son to be trampled. I appreciate that. I did not, however, need to hear from her parents that my future job, isn't as lucrative as before, and sensing the implication that they don't really give a damn about how much I earn, in a not-so-positive way. The truth? Doctors in Taiwan still earn a significant amount. I mean, why study seven effing years if you don't end up earning more than the typical undergrad, at least in the first few years? We didn't come to med school just to serve people. We have mouths to feed and we worked hard to get here. I think that deserves some salary incentive, don't you think? So, screw that implication about how my job isn't as "good" as it used to be. It still holds a status and some cash with it. Go white coats. (yes, i am saying it without an exclamation so as to be less showy.) If the parents didn't like me, that to me is something that can be worked on, but don't try to put me in a dilemma when I already have problems with MINE. It's unfair and definitely playing a seesaw game in which I'd have to give up the relationship or risk losing my parents. And the latter, I can't allow to happen.
I still feel the pain of separating. Seems like only yesterday when I broke up with her. I can feel her sobbing pulse on my chest, hear her cries of resistance, and smell the sourness in the air. We loved each other like no other. Truly tried and failed because of many things. My patience was worn out and fatigue set in too deeply for me to back out. She is young and deserves to see the world more. With an older guy like me, it would only be a hindrance. I hope to see her clothing line some day with her special style in every design. Eunice was a very special girl in my life and will always hold a place in my heart, where no girl can replace. She is the girl that I regret breaking up with the most. She is the girl that made me feel like myself and yet made it hard for me to maintain a relationship with. We are just not compatible together.
I loved you. I did. I just didn't have time to write this.
I hope you change for real and if fate wants us to be back together, I hope the reunion would be blessed instead of cursed. If not, I wish you luck and a way back to the right track. Don't you ever stray from the path of the light....God bless. I loved you. I did. | | |
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